Why It’s Worth It | Ever notice how we pour everything into maintaining romantic relationships and family obligations, but when it comes to friendships, we somehow assume they’ll just … maintain themselves? Here’s what’s fascinating: we’re terrible at friendship. Not because we don’t care, but because our minds are literally wired with biases that push us away from the very connections we need most. Gretchen Rubin brings together Laurie Santos and Reshma Saujani for a roundtable that gets refreshingly real about the messiness of adult friendships, from navigating conflict to making new friends when everyone’s calendars are impossible.

Laurie kicks things off with a confession that hits home. During her burnout phase, she realized she’d been coasting on what she calls “relational friendships”: work buddies, couples friends through her husband, people she saw regularly but never really connected with deeply. So, like the happiness scientist she is, she decided to experiment on herself. Making new friends in midlife, she discovered, requires being the one who suggests coffee dates and movie nights. The hardest part? Fighting through what researchers call the “liking gap,” the phenom in which we systematically assume everyone likes us less than they actually do (e.g., researchers found that almost all of us assume people we live with like us less than they do!) 

Reshma brings a different perspective, describing herself as someone who keeps her friend circle intentionally small, under seven or eight people. She’s the 3 a.m. phone call friend, the one who shows up during meltdowns. But midlife threw her a curveball: most of her friend group left New York. Suddenly, she found herself asking her 10-year-old what they were doing Friday night. Plus, friendships she’d maintained for 20 years started shifting or even breaking up. She admits she still doesn’t know how to make new friends, though reading that Hillary Clinton tries to add a new friend each year made her realize she is the only thing in her way.  

The conversation turns to categorizing friendships, with Laurie explaining research that identifies three types: intimate (your ride-or-dies), relational (grab drinks together), and communal (book club, soccer parents). Gretchen pushes back, suggesting we think less hierarchically and more about roles: childhood friends who knew your dog, travel buddies, online friends, even parasocial relationships with podcast hosts. Reshma finds comfort in realizing friendships can shift categories without meaning failure. Sometimes your intimate friend becomes relational, and that’s okay.

They dig into the scheduling nightmare that plagues adult friendships. Gretchen’s trying to plan a joint 50th birthday celebration with college friends, but the group chat has gone silent after four days of impossible calendar negotiations. This leads to discussing Gretchen’s Four Tendencies framework and how different personality types approach friendship differently. For example: “Rebels” hate committing to plans, making “Upholders” feel rejected. While “Obligers” like Laurie sometimes hit “Obliger rebellion,” causing them to cancel friend plans when overwhelmed. Understanding these differences can create grace instead of resentment.

The real breakthrough comes when they discuss practical strategies. Reshma shares how her friend Tiffany chose a girls’ trip over her daughter’s request to stay home, teaching that putting friendship first models self-care. Laurie describes just happening to text a friend about still using a gift, which led to discovering the friend was in palliative care with her father. Checking in is important and can lead to key moments to be there for our friends and loved ones.  

Background | In this episode, Laurie Santos hosts Gretchen Rubin, author and host of Happier with Gretchen Rubin, andReshma Saujani, founder of Girls Who Code and host of My So-Called Midlife. Key takeaways include:

• The liking gap sabotages us: We systematically believe others like us less than they actually do. Even close friends underestimate how much they’re valued. Push past this bias when reaching out.
• Categories aren’t hierarchies: Intimate, relational, and communal friends all matter. Friends can shift between categories without it meaning failure. Let go of rigid definitions of what friendship “should” look like.
• Different definitions create conflict: We all have unspoken rules about friendship (must see each other monthly, must celebrate birthdays together). Share your definitions before feeling betrayed when friends violate unknown expectations.
• Personality affects friendship style: Rebels resist calendar commitments, obligers cancel on friends when overwhelmed, and upholders schedule five weeks out. Understanding these tendencies prevents taking things personally.
• Pick friendship over productivity: When choosing between the girls’ trip and other obligations, try to choose friendship. 
• Reach out: When we think positively about a friend, we usually keep it private. Share it instead … text, call, email, beautiful card in the mail, carrier pigeon, really whatever it takes. Focus on warmth, not competency. 
• Start where you are: Can’t make new intimate friends? Deepen communal ones. Friend moved away? Redefine what connection looks like. Busy schedule? Send quick notes or photos of things that matter. Small gestures count.

About | Laurie Santos is a Yale professor, researcher, and happiness expert who studies how psychology can guide us to make better choices and live happier, more fulfilling lives. Her course on happiness, the most popular course at Yale in over 300 years, is offered in an online version, The Science of Well-Being, on Coursera. Laurie also hosts The Happiness Lab, a podcast that focuses on changing how we think about happiness. Laurie’s core belief is simple: What our minds tell us will make us happy is often a lie.

Source | The Happiness Lab: Friendships: Handling Change, Conflict and Finding New Friends – Season 10, Episode 16 (April 4, 2025)