Why It’s Worth It | Why do we constantly find ourselves stuck in the same old patterns, especially in our closest relationships? The truth is, most of us are masters at the blame game, always ready to point the finger when things go sideways. But what if our personal history isn’t something we need to be owned by? What if there’s a way to stop being defined by our past and transform how we connect with everyone around us?

In this illuminating episode, Dan Harris dives deep with Diego Perez (known by his pen name, Yung Pueblo) into the transformative power of getting past our personal histories. Diego candidly shares how his early relationship with his wife was characterized by an intense magnetic pull coupled with a complete inability to take care of each other. “We felt a strong pull to be with each other, but we had very little self-awareness between the two of us, very little emotional maturity,” he reveals. This resulted in a constant blame game that poisoned their connection for over six years.

Here’s what’s wild: meditation became the unexpected game-changer. Not because it magically fixed their problems overnight but because it gradually developed their self-awareness muscles. Both began meditating independently (Diego’s was brought on by recovery), but neither anticipated how profoundly it would transform their relationship. As Diego explains, “This feeling to place this blame on you every single time that I feel some sort of discontent in my mind, it actually has a lot to do with me.” That revelation cracked open a whole new chapter in their relationship.

The upshot: When we stop letting our past dictate our present and recognize that no one “makes” us feel anything, we liberate ourselves to create the connections we truly desire. Through meditation, Diego learned to see emotions not as permanent states but as experiences passing through – shifting from “I am angry” to “anger has arisen.” This simple reframing creates space between us and our feelings, allowing for more skillful responses to life’s inevitable challenges. Sometimes the biggest changes are often some of the simplest (that also seem take a lot of practice and repetition!). 

Background | Dan hosts Diego Perez (Yung Pueblo), a bestselling author, poet, social media influencer, and meditation practitioner who regularly undertakes extended retreats for up to six weeks. Key takeaways include:

• Our Emotions are not us: When we experience intense emotions, changing our language from “I am angry” to “anger has arisen” or “heaviness is moving through me” creates valuable space between ourselves and our feelings. This linguistic shift helps us observe emotions without being owned by them, allowing for more skillful responses to difficult situations.
• Nobody makes us feel: The belief that others cause our feelings misplaces responsibility and fuels blame cycles. People’s behavior may be objectionable, but our reactions happen in our minds. Recognizing this truth is the foundation for healthier relationships and greater personal peace.
• Love means freedom: Building relationships around commitments rather than rigid expectations creates room for authentic growth together. As Diego puts it, we’re “just two rivers flowing alongside each other.”
• Alter prior conditioning: Regular meditation, especially during extended retreats, allows old mental patterns to dissolve naturally when the mind achieves equanimity. Similar to how an unplugged phone battery slowly drains power, our prior mental conditioning can slowly melt away when we reach a neutral state and stop feeding it with triggering reactions.
• Suffering from clinging: In a world characterized by ceaseless change, attempting to hold onto fixed ideas inevitably leads to suffering. Learning to work with life’s flow rather than against it helps us avoid creating unnecessary pain for ourselves and others.
• Skills transfer naturally: The abilities developed during meditation (such as staying present, holding space for turbulence, and maintaining awareness) directly translate into relationship skills (such as patience, listening, and emotional regulation). What we practice in solitude manifests in our connections.
• Self-awareness precedes connection: Before we can truly connect with others, we must first connect with ourselves. Meditation builds the self-awareness necessary to take ownership of our feelings rather than projecting them onto others, creating the foundation for authentic relationships.
• Recognizing impermanence: Understanding that everything constantly changes at the atomic, biological, and cosmological levels changes how we approach life. “The whole universe is just flowing forward like a river,” Diego shares. This perspective helps us hold our experiences more lightly.

Source | 10% Happier: How to Get Past Your Past – Episode 919 (March 12, 2025)About | Dan Harris is a former national news reporter who turned to meditation to manage the stressors of a high-pressure on-air career. A self-dubbed “fidgety skeptic,” he brings a practical perspective to a seemingly abstract practice. Dan hosts the 10% Happier (TPH) podcast, which delivers conversations with meditation teachers, researchers, and even the odd celebrity. He is also a former co-founder of the Happier meditation app. Dan’s over-arching philosophy is simple yet profound: he believes happiness is a skill that can be learned.