Why It’s Worth It | How often do we ponder our own mortality? Usually, it strikes us like a bolt of lightning when faced with a tough diagnosis or the loss of a loved one, catching us completely unprepared. But what if there was a way to rethink our approach to death? Could facing our mortality head-on lead us to make better choices and live happier, more fulfilling lives today? Spoiler alert: it absolutely can. By thinking and talking about death, we can transform it from a daunting specter into a catalyst to live more fully.

In this eye-opening episode of The Happiness Lab, host Laurie Santos dives into the often-avoided topic of death and its surprising link to living a meaningful life. The podcast kicks off with Laurie visiting a “death cafe,” where people come together to discuss mortality openly. This experience leads her to a personal revelation—she has thanatophobia, an intense fear of death that impacts her daily joy and well-being.

Laurie embarks on a quest to confront her mortality, guided by experts in the field. She introduces us to Jodi Wellman, a psychologist and author who advocates for death awareness as a catalyst to prioritize what truly matters in our limited time, inspired by the ancient concept of “memento mori” (remember that you must die). 

Laurie then speaks with Alua Arthur, a death doula (yes, similar to a birth one, but at the end of the journey, not the beginning). Alua’s perspective on death is refreshingly curious and even encouraging; her work has taught her to find joy and gratitude in the minor aspects of daily life, knowing that our ability to experience sensations is temporary. She encourages us to approach death with the same focus we might feel when planning a vacation to an unknown destination. 

Throughout the episode, Laurie faces her fear of death head-on, trying out unusual exercises recommended by her guests. She goes on mindful walks spotting signs of life and decay, checks out her changing (aka good old-fashioned aging) self in the mirror, and even chants, “I am going to die” to herself. At first, it’s all a bit weird, but soon Laurie starts to feel shifts in her thinking, catching moments of awe and feeling more connected.

By the end of the episode, Laurie reflects on how her death awareness “journey” has rocked her world. She hasn’t kicked her fear of death to the curb just yet, but regular thinking about mortality has nudged her to live with more intention, plan activities that light her up, and savor life more deeply.

Background | Laurie’s death awareness journey kicks off with guest Jodi Wellman, a psychologist and author of You Only Die Once: How to Make It to the End with No Regret, and Alua Arthur, a death doula and author of Briefly Perfectly Human: Making an Authentic Life by Getting Real About the End. Laurie and her guests break down the science of death awareness, revealing studies that show how facing mortality can boost our generosity, magnify our gratitude, and help us zoom in on what matters in life. A few key points from this episode include: 

• Death awareness as a catalyst for living: Regularly contemplating our mortality can be a powerful motivator to live more intentionally and prioritize what truly matters to us today. This practice can increase gratitude, generosity, and a deeper appreciation for everyday experiences.
• The “life calculator” exercise: Awareness of our finitude can start with counting the number of Mondays (or summers, New Year’s Eves, sunsets, etc.) we have left based on our average life expectancy. While initially unsettling, this exercise can provide the correct dose of mortality awareness to inspire positive life changes.
• Reframing death as an unknown adventure: Instead of viewing death with fear and dread, we can approach it with curiosity and excitement, similar to planning a trip to an unknown destination. This perspective shift can help alleviate anxiety surrounding mortality.
• The power of the psychological immune system: Dan Gilbert’s research on psychological immunity helps usunderstand our remarkable ability to adapt to uncertain and challenging situations (including death!).  
• Daily death awareness practices: We can incorporate simple exercises into our routines, such as noticing signs of impermanence in our environments (buds in spring, falling leaves in fall) or observing our aging bodies in the mirror. These practices can help cultivate a healthier relationship with mortality and even with how we see our own tenuous beauty. 
• We are human: Recognizing that difficult emotions and experiences, including death, are part of the human condition can lead to greater acceptance and even appreciation for life’s challenges.
• Open conversations about death matter: Participating in or organizing events like “death cafes” can provide a supportive environment to discuss mortality, helping to normalize the topic and alleviate associated fears.
• Leveraging death awareness for personal growth: We can use the knowledge of life’s finite nature as motivation to pursue our long-held dreams, deepen our relationships, and make positive changes in our lives.

Source | The Happiness Lab: A Matter of Life and Death – Season 9, Episode 7

About | Laurie Santos is a Yale professor, researcher, and happiness expert who studies how psychology can guide us to make better choices and live happier, more fulfilling lives. Her course on happiness, the most popular course at Yale in over 300 years, is offered in an online version, The Science of Well-Being, on Coursera. Laurie also hosts The Happiness Lab, a podcast that focuses on changing how we think about happiness. Laurie’s core belief is simple: What our minds tell us will make us happy is often a lie.