Why It’s Worth It |There is such a strong emphasis on being positive that sometimes the world around us seems to resonate with judgy superiority. It is hard to feel what we really feel when it seems no one has room for negativity and seeing us for how we are today.

But science shows us that negative emotions aren’t bad, that being attune to feelings of all stripes and colors is how we develop emotional aptitude, which in turn can make us rather amazing human beings. How do we build courage and let our emotions shine?

In this episode of his popular ReThinking podcast, host Adam Grant talks with psychologist Susan David about emotional agility and the importance of effectively understanding and managing our emotions. Their discussion delves into various aspects of emotional intelligence, challenging common misconceptions about emotions and offering practical insights for developing healthier emotional habits.

Susan begins by addressing a significant oversight in our society: the undervaluation of emotional skills. Often dismissed as merely “soft skills,” she argues that these capabilities are, in fact, essential for navigating our rapidly changing world. She traces this misconception back to Victorian times, when “hard” sciences were prioritized over emotional competencies. However, effectively understanding and managing our emotions has become increasingly vital in our current era.

Adam and Susan then explore two common but problematic approaches to managing unpleasant emotions: suppression and rumination. Many of us tend to bottle up our feelings, believing certain emotions to be inherently negative or inappropriate. Alternatively, we might find ourselves overthinking our feelings, trapped in an endless loop of brooding. Both strategies, Susan warns, can be detrimental to our well-being and hinder our ability to address challenges effectively.

Similarly, the concept of the “tyranny of positivity” can crush our emotional expression. Susan shares a poignant personal story about losing her father at a young age and how people responded (or, more on point, failed to respond) to her grief. She goes on to explain how people who insist on the “bright side” are engaging in pure avoidance – in essence, saying, my comfort (to not have to deal with your emotions) is more important than your reality (which is essentially the unwanted emotion). This experience illuminates how societal pressure to maintain a positive facade can mask genuine emotional experiences and block authentic connections with others, effectively impeding personal growth. The conversation challenges us to reconsider the notion that all negative emotions are inherently bad and must be avoided or quickly overcome.

In a similar “learn from what we feel vein,” Adam also offers an intriguing perspective on emotions as teachable moments. He suggests viewing regret as a seminar on decision-making, guilt as a class on doing the right thing, and disappointment as a tutorial on perseverance. This reframing invites us to see our emotional experiences not as obstacles to overcome but as valuable sources of insight and personal growth.

Background | In this episode, Adam speaks with Susan David, psychologist, and professor at Harvard Medical School, co-founder of the Institute of Coaching, public speaker, and author of Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life. Key takeaways from their conversation include:

• Emotional skills are crucial life skills, not just “soft skills”: Emotional capacities are vital for navigating our changing world and adapting to challenges. These skills can and should be taught rigorously, as they are essential for our personal and professional success.
• Beware of ineffective emotional regulation strategies: Common problematic approaches include emotion suppression (bottling up feelings) and excessive rumination (brooding). Both can negatively impact our well-being and hinder effective problem-solving. Instead, we should aim for a balanced approach to acknowledging our emotions without being consumed by them.
• Challenge the “tyranny of positivity”: Forced positivity can be an avoidant coping strategy that hinders our genuine resilience and growth. We should accept that all our emotions have value and can provide important insights rather than categorizing them as simply good or bad.
• View emotions as teachable moments: We can approach our unpleasant emotions as opportunities for learning and growth. For example, our regret can teach us about making wiser decisions, our guilt can guide our moral behavior, and our disappointment can inform better preparation or perseverance. 
• Cultivate emotional granularity: Developing a nuanced understanding of our emotions is essential. Instead of broad categories like “angry,” we can try to identify more specific feelings like “disappointed” or “unsupported.” This granularity can lead to more effective problem-solving and communication in our lives. 
• Practice linguistic distancing from emotions: How we speak of our feelings can matter. Instead of saying, “I am sad,” we can try, “I’m noticing that I’m feeling sad.” This subtle shift can help us observe our emotions without being completely fused with them. 
• Balance emotional influence and personal responsibility: While others can influence our emotions, we ultimately have agency over our feelings and responses. It makes sense that phrases like “you made me feel” only diminish our emotional autonomy. It is more helpful if we stop and try to focus on identifying specific behaviors that affected us and talk about those behaviors (and not our internal state!)

Source | ReThinking: Overcoming toxic positivity with Susan David – January 23, 2024

About | Adam Grant is a well-known organizational psychologist and wildly popular Wharton professor. He is an accomplished writer, a profound thinker, and a thorough researcher, covering various subjects to help people discover purpose and motivation and lead more creative and generous lives. Adam’s content includes New York Times bestsellers, TED podcasts and talks, columns in various publications and GRANTED, a free email newsletter (sign up on his website!). Adam encourages us to constantly question our ideas and rethink our beliefs.