Why It’s Worth It | How many times have we wanted something and thought we didn’t deserve it? This could be anything – a promotion, a first date, a new place to live. Research shows that this self-doubt blocks our ability to dare, to love and to care for ourselves and others, essentially blocking access to the building blocks of connection.

In this TED Talk, Brené Brown delves into shame (the heart of darkness for many). Her previous Talk on Vulnerability (the super famous one) went stratospherically viral, creating a bit of a cult following for her. So when Brené stood up at another TED, millions of viewers gathered their courage and followed suit, tuning in to learn about shame, a topic most of us avoid like the plague.

Brené begins by sharing what life was like after “The Power of Vulnerability” went viral and clocked over 4 million views in a matter of days (it was all a bit much), then quickly shifts to the topic at hand. She firmly believes that no matter how fascinated we are with the power of vulnerability, we cannot access the connection and growth that come with daring to be vulnerable without first genuinely understanding shame’s role in our lives.  

We have all experienced times when we desire something deeply but lack confidence in our abilities and doubt our self-worth. That voice in our head says, “I’m not good enough,” or “I don’t deserve,” or “I’m not strong enough, big enough, or tough enough.”

That is shame, the thief of joy and success. We must deal with it head-on, embrace it, and love and smother it with empathy, or it will block our path to vulnerability. And this seriously matters – being vulnerable is critically important to how we live our lives. Vulnerability enables us to live what Brené calls “wholehearted living,” a life filled with the personal connections that make life worth living.

Before we can reach vulnerability though, the journey to become wholehearted has to start at the beginning. So first, we must stop, spend time with ourselves, look at our shame, and listen to it. Only then can we be free to live as we truly wish, imperfect selves and all.

Background | A few key points from the talk include:

• Vulnerability is not weakness – Many people associate vulnerability with weakness when they think of it in themselves. But when asked what vulnerability looks like in others, most see it as courage. For Brené, vulnerability includes emotional risk, exposure, and uncertainty. She sees it as fuel for our lives, a measurement of courage, and the birthplace of creativity, innovation, and change.
• First comes shame – We can’t talk about creativity, innovation, and change without starting with looking at shame. Shame is the thing that holds us back, that tells us we can’t go forward because we aren’t worth it. 
• Shame is not guilt – Guilt is saying we are sorry for a mistake; shame is saying we are the mistake. It is demoralizing and life-stealing.
• The man in the arena – If we allow shame to stop us from trying, we will never be vulnerable enough to fully live and be seen for who we genuinely are. Brené speaks of the famous words from Theodore Roosevelt: “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”
• Role of gender in shame – While shame feels the same for men and women, it presents differently. Women think that they must always show a do-it-all, never-ruffled persona. In contrast, men are afraid to appear weak. Understanding this is important to help us come together, listen, and share empathy accordingly.
• Shame is an epidemic – To get out from under it, we must understand how it affects us and how we relate to the world. How we process shame impacts how we perceive our bodies, minds, jobs, partners, communities, and families. Rooting it out, understanding its origins, focusing on accepting it, and even letting it go are the first steps to living with all our hearts.
• Empathy is shame kryptonite – Empathy toward ourselves and others is the best way to smother and shut out the din of shame. It is the antidote to shame. Letting ourselves know we are okay in all our imperfections will free us to enter the arena and begin to dare greatly.

Source | TED Talk:  “Listening to Shame” (March 2012)

About | Brené Brown has spent over 20 years researching and exploring courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. She is a New York Times bestselling author, an award-winning podcast and HBO Max TV show host, and an inspirational speaker at TED and other notable conferences. Alongside her team, she has created a website full of fantastic resources that are free to access. At her core, Brené believes we have to “embrace the suck” to find the courage to enter the arena of our lives.