Why It’s Worth It | We’ve all heard it: phones are bad; too much screen time is terrible. And we’ve all seen it: who among us has not been part of a couple or a group sitting at a table together, sheepishly face-planted in our technology? It isn’t just a strain on our brains; it turns out that the constant scrolling is impacting our well-being (we are slowly losing our humanity) and that of those around us.

How do we hold onto our humanness in today’s tech-driven society? What are the consequences of living beyond the human scale, and how can we harness technology while nurturing genuine relationships? 

In this inspiring episode of Unlocking Us, host Brené Brown engages in a deep conversation with celebrated psychotherapist and bestselling author Esther Perel. Recorded live at South by Southwest, their dialogue navigates the challenges of living in a world that often stretches our natural human capacities.

Brené kicks off by sharing a personal story about a chat with a pilot that opened her eyes to the idea of living beyond the human scale (some aviation technology is so advanced that human bodies cannot survive the physics). This concept underpins the episode, which explores the implications of our hyper-connected yet paradoxically lonely world. To emphasize, Esther introduces her idea of “artificial intimacy” to describe experiences that promise genuine connection but instead leave us feeling isolated, even amidst others.

The discussion spans various facets of modern life, from social media’s impact on relationships to the hurdles of maintaining authentic connections in a digital era. Esther underscores attention as a form of love and witnessing, showing how digital distractions can degrade the quality of our interactions.

Brené and Esther share personal anecdotes and professional insights (yes, Brené storytelling always makes everything cooler). They stress the need for balance between technological advancements and human-scale interactions, emphasizing the importance of maintaining real-life connections, the value of vulnerability in relationships, and the need for spaces where people can be authentically themselves. 

Lastly, the two explore the individualization of society and its impact on our ability to find meaning and certainty in life. Esther points out how the shift from community-based living to individualism has placed a greater burden on us to find answers to life’s big questions all on our own, leading to increased anxiety and isolation.

Background | In this episode, Brené speaks with Esther Perel, a renowned Belgian-American psychotherapist, bestselling author, and speaker known for her groundbreaking work on modern relationships, sexuality, and the complexities of human connection in the digital age. Highlights include:

• Artificial Intimacy: Requires us to first recognize the phenomenon of artificial intimacy in our digital interactions. Technology can inadvertently negatively impact our relationships. Second, to counter this impact, striving for connections beyond surface-level digital interactions is essential. We can do this by prioritizing face-to-face conversations and sharing experiences with others.
• The Power of Attention: Giving someone our undivided attention is a profound form of love and respect. Ways to pull this off include practicing active listening, being fully present in interactions with others, implementing “phone-free” zones, and setting aside daily time to foster deeper connections with those around us.
• Collective Effervescence: Arises when we share something with a group of people in community. While these moments lean towards the serendipitous, it benefits our sense of well-being to seek out opportunities for shared emotional experiences with others by attending live events, participating in community gatherings, or creating rituals that bring people together. 
• Balancing Technology and Humanity: As technological advances continue, balancing technological innovations and human-scale interactions will be increasingly important. We can start now by setting boundaries around our technology use and making conscious efforts to engage in real-life activities.
• Vulnerability and Safety: Foster relationships and environments that allow for authentic self-expression and emotional openness by intentionally prioritizing spaces in which we can be vulnerable without fear. We all need to let our guard down sometimes. 
• Navigating Individualism: There are a lot of challenges that come with living in an individualistic society, so knowing that we need community is a step in the right direction. We can fully be ourselves and still thrive in community with others. One tip is to foster personal practices to help grapple with life’s big questions (e.g., regular solo hikes, meditation, esoteric studies) while prioritizing continuous connection to others.
• Embodied Experiences: Another way to turbo-boost connection is to prioritize embodied, real-life experiences over digital ones. Better yet, look for activities that involve our senses and that put us in direct contact with others and our environment. This could include attending live performances, participating in group activities (e.g., hiking (yes, hiking is good solo or grouped!) or gardening clubs, cooking classes, weekly farmers markets, volunteering at local parks, etc.), or simply making sure we have face-to-face conversations without technological distractions.

Source | Unlocking Us: Ester Perel on New AI – March 20, 2024

About | Brené Brown has spent over 20 years researching and exploring courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. She is a New York Timesbestselling author, an award-winning podcast and HBO Max TV show host, and an inspirational speaker at TED and other notable conferences. Alongside her team, she has created a website full of fantastic resources that are free to access. At her core, Brené believes we have to “embrace the suck” to find the courage to enter the arena of our lives.