Why It’s Worth It | Quick question: When was the last time you spoke to yourself kindly? Because here’s something fascinating about our inner voices (which are often quite harsh!): we are often better at giving advice to literally anyone else than to ourselves. The solution isn’t trying to silence the chatter (good luck with that). It’s learning to talk to ourselves like we’d talk to someone we actually like.

Adam Grant explores this puzzling paradox with Ethan Kross, the psychologist who’s spent his career studying the conversations we have with ourselves. And before we dismiss this as another meditation-fixes-everything moment, Ethan drops a refreshing truth bomb: sometimes avoiding our feelings is exactly what we need to do.

Adam kicks off with a confession that would make most people question his humanity: he doesn’t hear voices when he reads (or really any chatter, like ever). No character dialogue, no narrator, just … silence. While the rest of us are running a full audiobook production in our heads, he’s processing words like a computer scanning code. Ethan reassures him (and those of us now questioning our own mental soundtracks) that this variability is completely normal. Some people decode meaning instantly; others need the internal voice-over. Neither approach is wrong, though Adam’s wife’s ability to assign different voices to each character sounds like she’s getting the director’s cut while he’s stuck with subtitles.

The conversation takes a darker turn when Ethan admits to imagining dropping dumbbells on people at the gym. Before we call security, he explains this disturbing phenomenon: our brains constantly simulate worst-case scenarios to help us avoid them. It’s why new parents imagine dropping their babies and why Adam visualized every possible TED Talk disaster. These intrusive thoughts aren’t signs we’re secretly terrible people; they’re our mind’s twisted way of keeping us safe.

Here’s where it gets interesting: Ethan challenges the cultural obsession with “being present.” While mindfulness evangelists insist we should live in the moment, he argues that mental time travel can be our emotional salvation. When anxiety strikes, he zooms out temporally, asking himself how he’ll feel about this crisis next month or next year. He even travels backward, comparing current struggles to his grandmother’s experience fleeing the Nazis. Suddenly, that work presentation doesn’t seem quite so catastrophic.

The real revelation comes when Ethan dismantles the “just vent your emotions” mythology. Yes, complaining to friends strengthens relationships, but it rarely solves the actual problem. We leave feeling connected but still carrying the same emotional baggage. And contrary to popular belief, strategic avoidance (temporarily shelving difficult emotions to return to them later with fresh perspective) can be remarkably effective. It’s not denial; it’s giving ourselves the gift of distance, balance, and perspective. 

Background | In this episode, Adam Grant sits down with Ethan Kross, psychologist and neuroscientist at the University of Michigan and author of Chatter and Shift, who brings decades of research on self-talk and emotion regulation to help us understand why we’re all so terrible at being our own therapists. Highlights include:

• The inner voice toolkit: Our ability to silently use language serves multiple functions, from rehearsing conversations to remembering grocery lists. We all have this capacity, even if we experience it differently. Some hear full dialogue; others process meaning directly.
• The dark thought phenomenon: Those disturbing, intrusive thoughts about worst-case scenarios aren’t character flaws. They’re our brain’s way of helping us avoid actual disasters. The key is recognizing them as simulations, not desires or predictions.
• Temporal distancing: When emotions overwhelm us, mental time travel offers perspective. Asking “How will I feel about this in a year?” automatically reminds us that most crises are temporary. This isn’t avoiding the present; it’s borrowing wisdom from our future selves.
• The second-person solution: Talking to ourselves using “you” or our own name creates psychological distance. Instead of saying “I can do this”, using the phrase “You can do this” will help to access the same wisdom we naturally offer friends.
• Strategic avoidance: Sometimes the healthiest response to difficult emotions is taking a break. Working, exercising, or engaging in other activities before returning to the problem often leads to better solutions than immediate confrontation.
• The venting paradox: Expressing emotions strengthens relationships but doesn’t necessarily solve problems. We need both emotional connection and cognitive reframing. Venting without problem-solving leaves us feeling supported but still stuck.
• Music as emotion regulation: Despite nearly everyone using music to influence their mood, only 10-30% deliberately use it as an emotional tool during difficult times. Creating specific playlists for different emotional needs puts this powerful regulator at our fingertips.

Source | ReThinking:  The Voices in Your Head with Ethan Kross – April 7, 2025

About | Adam Grant is a well-known organizational psychologist and wildly popular Wharton professor. He is an accomplished writer, a profound thinker, and a thorough researcher, covering various subjects to help people discover purpose and motivation and lead more creative and generous lives. Adam’s content includes New York Times bestsellers, TED podcasts and talks, columns in various publications and GRANTED, a free email newsletter (sign up on his website!). Adam encourages us to constantly question our ideas and rethink our beliefs.