Why It’s Worth It | At our core, most of us yearn for authentic personal connection with those around us. But what this means and learning how to create connection is daunting at best. Luckily, one of our heroes, Brené Brown, bravely took to the stage to tell us all about it.

In her iconic TED talk, Brené Brown bares her soul and talks about her groundbreaking research and life-changing breakdown. Her talk resulted from studying thousands of stories and holding hundreds of lengthy interviews and focus groups, essentially mountains of data collected over six years. When Brené delivered the talk, there were only 500 people in the audience. However, it went viral quickly and furiously – amassing over 60 million views and holding a steady spot as one of the most-watched TED talks ever. 

This uptake was astonishing to Brené, who never had fame on her bingo card. While she sincerely believed in the value of her research (it had transformed her own life, after all), she had no idea that the world would respond so intensely to a frank conversation about vulnerability. Her talk is raw and seemingly off the cuff, sprinkled with humor, research findings, and practical insight.

But what resonates the most with us is her willingness to be vulnerable, to talk about her breakdown, uh, actually, “a frickin’ spiritual awakening,” and her emphasis that we can all find a path to fulfill our essential human purpose: to connect and to love and be loved.

Brené speaks of people as belonging to two groups: those of us who live wholeheartedly and those who struggle with connection. The former believe in their worthiness and embrace vulnerability, while the latter get lost along the way, buried by shame and fear, and cut off from the vulnerability needed to be seen and loved for who we are. She suggests that accessing vulnerability is the key to moving from the latter to the former group, allowing us to connect wholeheartedly with others.

Background | A few key points from the talk include:

• Vulnerability is not quantifiable – Brené chose research because she believed she could organize and measure it. But after years of pouring over her research, she realized that the key to human connection, which she calls “vulnerability,” rests upon uncertainty and no guaranteed outcome.
• Connection is why we are here – We have no purpose and meaning without connection. Connection helps protect us from addiction, violence, and despair. We need it neurobiologically, so when we can’t access it, our stories fill with heartbreak, disconnection, and exclusion.
• Shame is the fear of disconnection – Shame whispers that we aren’t worthy and impedes the path to vulnerability and connection. For people with shame, vulnerability can feel excruciatingly painful at times.
• The “wholehearted” – When Brené dug into her thousands of data points, she realized that humans tend to fall into two groups: those who innately seek and find connection and those who struggle to get there.   She called the former the wholehearted and set about unraveling what makes them have a fundamental sense of love, belonging, and a deep belief that they are worthy. 
• Vulnerability as a necessity – The wholehearted embrace vulnerability as a necessary part of life, seeing it as a required part of living. They move forward in relationships, loving with risk despite uncertainty and potential heartbreak.
• Numbing isn’t a solution – The non-wholehearted cohort also tends to numb when complex connections like vulnerability arise. Research has shown that this default is destructive as it numbs all emotions, including positive ones like joy, gratitude, and happiness. Numbing encompasses many behaviors, including substance abuse, consumerism, food, sex, and even some beliefs.
• Certainty is perilous – Truly understanding our inherent worth requires us to embrace uncertainty and let go of the need for guarantees. Insisting on having all the answers in matters of spirituality, politics, or society can be limiting and prevent us from fully trusting ourselves. It’s essential to recognize that true strength comes from acknowledging our vulnerability, not denying it.
• We are enough – Finally, in the words of Brené, we need “to believe that we’re enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, “I’m enough,”… then we stop screaming and start listening. We’re kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we’re kinder and gentler to ourselves.”

Source |TED talk:  “The Power of Vulnerability” (December 2010)

About | Brené Brown has spent over 20 years researching and exploring courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. She is a New York Times bestselling author, an award-winning podcast and HBO Max TV show host, and an inspirational speaker at TED and other notable conferences. Alongside her team, she has created a website full of fantastic resources that are free to access. At her core, Brené believes we have to “embrace the suck” to find the courage to enter the arena of our lives.