Why It’s Worth It | Ever notice how we sometimes seek out other people to lighten up and maybe “catch some happiness,” yet somehow those same people can instead make us absolutely miserable? Here’s what’s fascinating: we’re constantly “catching emotions” from others … almost as if we’re walking through an invisible cloud of feelings. Whether it’s our colleague’s bad mood or our friend’s excitement, we absorb it all without even realizing it. Laurie Santos brings psychologist Ethan Kross on stage at Choate Rosemary Hall to explore this paradox: how other people can be our greatest ally or worst enemy when it comes to managing our emotions.

Laurie and Ethan dive into emotional contagion, that phenomenon where we literally catch feelings from others. Ethan describes walking into a classroom and seeing glum faces, instantly knowing the “temperature” of the room. But here’s where it gets interesting: these emotions don’t just stop with us. Laurie explains how if she catches Ethan’s frustration, she might transmit it to her class, who then post angry things on social media, creating what researchers call “affective spirals.” The audience gets a live demonstration when Ethan points out how he and Laurie are sitting identically, unconsciously mimicking each other. This chameleon effect happens constantly, especially with people we admire.

The conversation turns to social comparison, that thing we’re told not to do but literally cannot stop doing. Ethan shares how his daughter once used his own advice against him when arguing for more screen time: “I thought you said we don’t compare ourselves to other people?” His response reveals a crucial insight: we’re wired to reference others constantly. It’s how we make sense of ourselves. Laurie brings up the Olympic medalist study: silver medalists show contempt and grief despite being second-best in the world, while bronze medalists beam with joy. Why? The silver medalist compares up to gold and feels terrible; the bronze medalist compares down to no medal at all and feels grateful.

Things get practical when they discuss venting. We all do it, but Ethan reveals that most of us pick the wrong people. Some friends just egg us on, making us feel worse. The best emotional advisors do two things: first, they listen and empathize, and then they help broaden our perspective. Ethan suggests making an actual list of who we talk to about different problems, then crossing off anyone who doesn’t help us shift our thinking. He jokes about not telling those people “you suck as an advisor” but instead sharing what we’ve learned about effective support.

The duo explores how other people shape our behavior in surprising ways. Ethan describes a wild 1960s experiment where subjects were injected with adrenaline (told it was vitamins!) then placed with either an angry or euphoric actor. The subjects matched whatever emotion the actor displayed, showing how we look to others to interpret our own internal states. This hits home when Ethan shares how his daughter came to him distressed about physical symptoms before a test. Instead of validating her anxiety, he reframed it: “That’s your body doing exactly what it’s supposed to do… you’re lucky you’re experiencing this.” Her entire demeanor changed instantly.

Background | In this episode, Laurie Santos hosts Ethan Kross, University of Michigan professor and author of the new book Shift: Managing Your Emotions So They Don’t Manage You, in this live recording celebrating the book’s launch day. Highlights include:

• Emotional contagion is real: We catch feelings from others automatically, and these emotions ripple outward in “affective spirals.” Knowing this gives us the power to be intentional about whose emotions we expose ourselves to and what we transmit.
• Social comparison is inevitable: Stop trying not to compare; it’s how we’re wired. Instead, flip comparisons to work for us. When someone’s doing better: “They did it, so can I.” When tragedy strikes others: remember to foster gratitude instead of anxiety.
• Choose emotional advisors wisely: Make an actual list of who to vent to. Keep only those folks who listen/empathize AND help broaden perspective. Cross off or educate the rest about what really helps.
• We mirror unconsciously: From body language to emotions, we automatically copy others, especially those we admire. Use this knowledge to positively influence groups or protect ourselves from negative influences.
• Reframe others’ reactions: When someone comes to us distressed, we shape their experience by how we respond. Our interpretation of their situation literally changes how they feel about it.
• Being alone isn’t toxic: Despite media messaging, solitude can be restorative. How we think about being alone determines whether it helps or hurts us; the toxic messaging itself can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
• Plant emotional seeds: In groups feeling negative, we can be the seed of optimism that spreads. Even if it feels forced at first, others will catch it authentically and feed it back to us.

About | Laurie Santos is a Yale professor, researcher, and happiness expert who studies how psychology can guide us to make better choices and live happier, more fulfilling lives. Her course on happiness, the most popular course at Yale in over 300 years, is offered in an online version, The Science of Well-Being, on Coursera. Laurie also hosts The Happiness Lab, a podcast that focuses on changing how we think about happiness. Laurie’s core belief is simple: What our minds tell us will make us happy is often a lie.

Source | The Happiness Lab: Harnessing People Around Us to Feel Happier – Season 10, Episode 11 (March 10, 2025)