Why It’s Worth It | At some point, we all ask ourselves: What do we really want out of life? How do we know if our lives are well-lived? 

In this episode of the podcast series How to Build a Life, Arthur Brooks hosts Vivek Murthy, a physician, NYT Bestselling Author, and the 19th and 21st Surgeon General of the United States.

Vivek is a firm believer that loneliness is a severe public health crisis significantly impacting people’s mental and physical well-being. He emphasizes that loneliness is not just a feeling of being alone. Instead, he encourages us to understand it as a complex emotional state that can lead to various health crises such as anxiety, depression, obesity, alcoholism, and drug addiction.

In his conversation with Arthur, Vivek pushes all of us to sit up, pay attention, and take proactive measures to address loneliness in our own lives. His advice is straightforward: prioritize people and meaningful relationships.

To achieve this, he suggests that we start by identifying what will make us happy in the next five to ten years. This can be done by asking ourselves what we want our lives to look like, changing our priorities, checking on the people we care about, and connecting more intentionally with the world.

Many of us prioritize career advancement, paying off debts, buying a house, starting a family, and ensuring our children’s success over our basic human connections. Unfortunately, this often means life-changing, connection-oriented goals fall by the wayside. Vivek urges us to radically shift our priorities and place connection at the top of our list; he believes our very lives depend on how we spend our time and who we spend it with.

Background | A few key points from this episode include: 

• Loneliness is subjective – Loneliness can affect all of us when our need for human interaction is unmet. Interestingly, the level of connection required varies from person to person, and different circumstances can influence those needs. It’s worth noting that some individuals may feel fulfilled with just a few close friends, while others may have a large social circle but still feel lonely.
• Loneliness masquerades – A typical “loneliness” visual is a person standing alone in a corner at a party. Loneliness can look like that, but more often, it manifests in non-obvious ways, such as short-tempered and angry behavior. In contrast, others may become quiet or, even paradoxically, overly extroverted, with superficially robust-seeming social lives.
• The loneliness stigma – In today’s Western society, admitting loneliness can feel like admitting failure in living, something best left to “losers,” creating a stigma that persists even though millions of people struggle with loneliness.
• Assume everyone is lonely – Loneliness is so widespread that Vivek suggests we often don’t recognize it in ourselves or others. His advice is to change our default interactions with others: that rather than assume people are connected and doing okay, we should reach out and ask how they really are and go the extra mile to be helpful when we can.
• Extrinsic vs. Intrinsic goals – Research has shown that people who focus primarily on extrinsic goals (like getting ahead, making more money, and becoming famous) are significantly less happy than people who focus on intrinsic goals (like love and relationships).
• Achieve a life well spent – Identify intrinsic goals and revisit that list every week for a year to check on progress. This simple action will help us discover that we can make different choices and ultimately learn to measure success by the strength of our relationships. The path is clear: happier lives come from building our lives around people.

Source | How to Build a Happy Life podcast series: “How to Know You’re Lonely” – Season 1, Episode 2 (The Atlantic – October 12, 2021)

About | Arthur Brooks is a well-known professor of leadership and happiness at Harvard University. He is a social scientist and a #1 bestselling author. In his column for The Atlantic, he combines scientific research and philosophical insights to offer simple everyday guidance on how to pursue a more meaningful, connected, and potentially happier life. Arthur believes if we cultivate joy, satisfaction, and purpose (in balance), we can find happiness.